Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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