i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
