New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
