Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
