Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize