Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
