then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
