Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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