To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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