my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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