i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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