Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
