i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
