You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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