I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize