I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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