Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
