John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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