Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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