sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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