So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
