when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I could make wine with my vomit
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
