He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
