i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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