Your dad touched me again.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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