Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
