i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
