Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
