I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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