I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
