I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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