3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
