why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
