I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
