her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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