i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
