Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
