my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
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