Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
