tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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