I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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