mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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