getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
