The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
