omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
