I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
