i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize