i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
