my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
