I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Small penises have feelings too.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
