my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
