i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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