he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
