Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
