Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
