i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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