If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Houston, we have a squirter
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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